The Daily Prophet, Always telling the truth
by Sagajagan
Summary: A selection of newspaper clippings from Britain's favourite communist-free newspaper over the last 14 years
1. Gotcha!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling**

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><p><strong>THE DAILY PROPHET <strong>

**(**10/05/98)****

**Britain's only newspaper not run by communists**

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><p><strong>GOTCHA!<strong>

**Britain's Two Most Wanted Fugitives Captured**

Daniel Negroponte writes.

'The Wizarding community of Britain owes its gratitude to the brave and selfless men and women of the Auror Office,' The Minister for Magic declared today, after triumphantly announcing that Britain's most wanted fugitives, the criminal lovers Hermione Jean Granger and Ronald Bilius Weasley, were apprehended yesterday after a brief duel out in Epping Forest, North London. One Auror was killed and another two were injured. The Ministry has not released the names of the casualties, only saying that the dead Auror left behind a young wife and three children, who will now be without a husband and father thanks to these two ruthless and evil muderers. Insider sources suggest that all four hundred and sixty four officers involved in the operation will receive commendations and medals. Mudblood Granger, 18, and blood traitor Weasley, also 18, were finally cornered like the scum that they are on top of Pole Hill, Chingford, just seven days after the Ministry's decisive victory in battle over the proscribed terrorist group that the two belong, The Order of the Phoenix, at Hogwarts Castle. The duo are being held at a detention facility in Leyton, but are set to be transported directly to Azkaban where they will be remanded into custody until their trials. A Ministry spokesman told the Prophet that between them, Granger and Weasley will be indicted on four thousand, seven hundred and nine charges, including but not limited to multiple counts of high treason, murder, homosexuality, attempted murder, conspiracy, theft, magic theft, sodomy, assault and arson. Granger will also be the first criminal charged under the Purification Act 1998, which makes it illegal to be a Mudblood. Chief Prosecutor of the Wizengamot, Maximillian Gamot, confirmed that the Ministry will seek the death penalty for both Granger and Weasley. The drama is not yet over though, as the Pure-Blood Alliance immediately announced that it is seeking a judicial review over the legality of the death penalty being used on pure-bloods. Mr Gamot is not fazed however. 'Even though Mr Weasley is a pure-blooded wizard by birth, the actions he has taken and crimes he has committed during his life makes him a blood traitor. I have the utmost confidence that the Courts will back my decision that the pathetic, miserable waste of oxygen that is Mr Weasley deserves death,' he said at a press conference yesterday evening.

The Ministry are confident that with the two suspected leaders of the Order of the Phoenix in custody, victory in the war on terror is finally on the horizon. An Order soldier who defected to the Ministry, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Prophet in an exclusive interview that the Order is down to less than a dozen members and has begun branching out into child pornography, extortion and prostitution to finance its evil campaign of terror.

Full interview- Page 11.

Biography of the fugitive lovers- Page 3

Ministry unveils plans for new G1.5 billion Intelligence headquarters- Page 20

UK breaks diplomatic relations with the Hun after diplomatic insult – Page 24

Wizengamot passes Mass Surveillance Act by 314 votes to 11 – Page 33

Eleven members of the Wizengamot resign in disgrace after homosexual orgy- Page 36

100 Sexiest Witches of 1998- Start voting now! - Page 42


	2. All Hail the Saviour!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling**

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><p><strong>THE DAILY PROPHET <strong>

**(**17/05/98)****

**Pure-Bloods never lie**

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><p><strong>ALL HAIL THE SAVIOUR!<strong>

**Britain to become world's newest theocracy**

Michael Mclean writes.

Those who thought that Britain was heading down secular road are in for a rude shock, after Minister for Magic Pius Thicknesse announced the establishment of a new official state religion- Voldemortism. The announcement came at a press conference at Whitehall yesterday, where the Minister unveiled a thirty foot tall statue of our new Lord and Saviour. The Ministry is to distribute pamphlets to every household explaining the life of our deity. According to the Ministry, Lord Voldemort was created from nothingness and watches over our world. He is omnipotent, sees all and knows all. He created the world and all it's people, and loves humanity although he has a particular affection for Britons, who are His chosen people. It was his personal intervention at the Battle of Hogwarts, swooping down from heaven to crush the infidels, that allowed Ministerial forces to emerge victorious and defeat The Order of the Phoenix. The Minister for Magic also said at the press conference that devout prayer and belief in Lord Voldemort would protect the people from renegade devil worshipper Harry Potter, who is in hiding, believed to be somewhere in Wales, probably having sex with sheep. Our correspondent at the conference also remarked that the statue of the Lord looks a lot like muggle actor Ralph Fiennes, albeit bald and with a flat nose. New laws passed by the Wizengamot makes the embracement of Voldemortism mandatory, and blasphemy of our official religion is now punishable by death. Furthermore, new Hogwarts Headmaster, Viktor Sebastien, declared that lessons on Voldemortism will replace Muggle studies and all students will be obligated to attend. Weekly tests will be administered and any student that scores less than 100% will, in the words of the Headmaster, 'Have their testicles re-arranged.'

A Ministry spokesman told The Prophet that plans were afoot to build five thousand new Voldemortist temples and shrines around the country, while the Department of International Magical Co-operation said that it will be sending missionaries around the world and encouraging other nations to embrace the one and only true faith. All The Prophet staff have of course already converted, and to celebrate, we're giving away free report cards for every reader, where you can write down the names of people who haven't converted and send them to the Ministry, who will then dispatch a couple of goons who will politely break a few legs and explain exactly why Voldemortism is the way forward. Enjoy!

Baby eaters Granger and Weasley denied bail- page 3

Ministry announces plans for biometric identity cards- page 17

Tom Koonan explains why we're better than the French- page 40

Department of Magical Law Enforcement given blanket immunity from lawsuits- page 43


	3. Two World Wars, Two World Cups!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling**

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><p><strong>THE DAILY PROPHET <strong>

**(**15/08/98)****

**It's not biased if it's the truth**

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><p><strong>TWO WORLD WARS, TWO WORLD CUPS!<strong>

**England demolish the Hun to win Quidditch World Cup**

Julius Cameron writes.

England erupted into pandemonium throughout the night after thrashing Germany 890-0 at a capacity Voldemort Arena yesterday evening in the Quidditch World Cup final. Before kick off, England expected, and all nine players did their duty and played the game of their lives to deliver victory. England manager Sir Carnassius Blakewell told The Prophet that his boys and girls deserved all the credit. As expected, Jerry is already making excuses for their harrowing defeat and has sent in a one thousand, three hundred and twenty-one page report full of nonsense to the International Quidditch Association citing the fact that their entire playing squad and backroom staff were incapacitated with food poisoning just fifteen minutes before kick-off, that England played most of the game with nine players instead of seven, that none of the twenty-three goals that Germany scored were counted by match officials, that Germany caught the snitch three times also without being counted, that the original match referee disappeared three hours before the game started and was replaced with an Englishman, that the match referee missed nine hundred and forty-six fouls committed by the England team, that England hosted the tournament in the first place after hosting the previous one, and that not a single England player was drug tested. Sounds like sour grapes to us!

Match referee, Harold Arthur, 49, whose appointment to the match was hotly contested by Germany, defended his conduct of the final. Speaking in an exclusive interview with The Prophet from outside his family-owned betting shop, Arthur said that he officiated the final with integrity and honour and that Germany was making a big fuss over nothing.

Meanwhile, the Department of Magical Games and Sports has tabled a motion to the IQA for the games to be permanently held in Britain, rotating each time between the home nations. A spokesperson from the DMGS downplayed international opposition to the motion and said 'It's only natural for countries like Germany and France to whine; it's in their blood. However eventually they and everyone else will realise that the best thing for the game would be for the World Cup to be permanently hosted in Britain. This tournament was an unquailified success. No other country would be able to get as many spectators into seats because no other country has laws forcing locals to buy tickets.'

The Ministry of Magic has announced that a victory parade will take place next Friday. It will consist of an open top bus travelling throughout the country. A spokesperson has urged fans to turn out and congragulate the England team. To boost numbers, Ministers are drawing up contingency plans to lay out free food and booze along the route- all payed for by embezzling money from German state pension funds of course.

Pictures from the World Cup- Page 4

Granger and Weasley have the nerve to plead not guilty- Page 9

Thirty two pages of adverts- Page 11

Wizengamot deems juries to be unnecessary, abolishes them- Page 38

Four Wizengamot officials who voted against jury abolishment killed in freak chainsaw accident- Page 45


	4. The Great Escape!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling**

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><p><strong>THE DAILY PROPHET <strong>

**(03/12/98)**

**At least we aren't French**

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><p><strong>THE GREAT ESCAPE!<strong>

**Spawn of Lucifer breaks Granger out of custody**

William McDonald writes.

The Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, David Yaxley, resigned in disgrace last night, shortly after confirming the shocking rumours that Hermione Granger, 18, had escaped from Police custody with the help of degenerate Marxist rebel Harry Potter, also 18. Granger and lover Ronald Weasley were in courtroom 1 of the Wizengamot High Court of Justice where their criminal trial for a total of four thousand, seven hundred and nine felonies was in session. A ministry spokesperson made an appeal for calm and released the following statement.

'_I can confirm that at around 1100 hours on the morning of the 2nd __of December, Harry Potter facilitated the escape of Hermione Granger. From CCTV footage we can ascertain that Potter walked into the court house, somehow avoiding the legions of bored, sleepy, security guards that were on duty, and made his way towards courtroom 1. On the way, he was stopped by a bailiff, who approached him and remarked that he looked like Harry Potter. Harry Potter denied that he was Harry Potter and said that the bailiff was mistaken. The bailiff however shook his head and said that he was sure that Harry Potter looked like that guy Harry Potter. Harry Potter again denied that he was Harry Potter and produced his ID showing that he was in fact LaShawn Carter, a thirty-five year old African-American plumber from Baltimore, Maryland. After extensive analysis we know believe this identification to have been a fraud. However it was a very convincing counterfeit and having fooled the bailiff, Potter then proceeded to make his way into the courtroom, where he stunned the on duty guards. Potter, Granger and Weasley then made their escape attempt. Although Potter and Granger successfully escaped, Weasley was captured during the struggle by Aurors who had rushed to the scene. As a precaution, we are now holding Ronald Weasley in a secure, secret safe house on Chatham Road in Lincoln, where he will be guarded round the clock, except for a fifteen minute gap every three hours when the guards change over.'_

As public pressure grows for the Ministry to finally defeat the last remnants of the Order of the Phoenix, the Wizengamot moved swiftly to allay concerns that the Ministry of Magic could not guarantee the safety of the public by passing the Big Brother Act 1998. The act gives the Ministry the power to install CCTV cameras and microphones in every household in the country. Political commentators have given the act a big thumb's up. 'Nothing creates an atmosphere of safety and trust like the knowledge that the Ministry is watching each and every single move that you make and listening to every conversation that you have. With the Ministry watching over me constantly, always, like a guardian angel, I can now live my life in peace without the fear that Harry Potter might break in and rape me,' says Henry Ashfield, a civil rights campaigner.

The Ministry are now offering a fifteen million Galleon reward for information leading to the apprehension and capture of Harry James Potter and Hermione Jean Granger, both of whom most likely by now have AIDs. The renegade duo are thought to be somewhere in the West Midlands, probably scouring the countryside looking for baby deer to beat to death. The Daily Prophet whole-heartedly urges its readers to stay vigilant and always be on the lookout, and reserves the right to claim ten per cent of the reward, even if it's given to someone who isn't a reader.

Pictures of courtroom breakout- Page 2

Office of National Statistics disbanded with it's duties absorbed by the Ministry- Page 7

Ministry revises up Q2 GDP growth from 0.7% to 19.3% and predicts growth of 65% in 1999- Page 14

Wizengamot decriminalises corruption- Page 37

Ministry announces new Department of Historical Revisionism- Page 52


	5. The Boy Who Never Lived!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling**

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><p><strong>THE DAILY PROPHET <strong>

**(29/03/99)**

**Because Fox News shouldn't have to go it alone**

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><p><strong>THE BOY WHO NEVER LIVED!<strong>

'**Harry Potter' declared a hoax**

Sarah Atkinson writes. Only joking- as if we'd let a woman write an article.

Rowan Defries writes.

The recently established Department of Historical Revisionism has announced that it has just discovered new evidence that proves that the character of 'Harry Potter' is a hoax and in fact has never existed. Head of the DHR, Anthony O'Shea, told the press, which of course by now consists solely of The Prophet after recent Ministry crackdowns, that after personally checking every single birth record ever produced in the United Kingdom he was unable to find even a single person who had ever been born under that name. Ever. 'There has never been a 'Harry Potter',' O'Shea told us. 'Anyone who says otherwise is blatantly a filthy communist liar. 'Harry Potter' is evidently all one big conspiracy, just like 'human rights' and 'police brutality', dreamt up by lefties and liberals in an attempt to undermine the Ministry. Since all lefties are pathetic pussies, they've created this 'Harry Potter' character to be the fictional figurehead for their cause that they themselves, being such useless scrotum bags, cannot.' O'Shea also added, 'If anyone is still stupid enough to have any doubt, we also have another piece of evidence that one hundred per cent, absolutely, totally, completely and utterly proves that 'Harry Potter' is a hoax, however I don't have it with me and it's kind of hard to describe so you shall have to take my word for it.'

The DHR yesterday submitted a six hundred page report on its findings to the Ministry, and the Wizengamot has promptly passed new laws that bans anyone from having the name Harry Potter, saying the name, writing it down or even thinking about it, unless the thought is about how gay the name sounds. A ministry spokesman told The Prophet that if anybody does show up with that name or looking like what the hoax Harry Potter purports to look like and are travelling with a white, female, young adult with long brown bushy hair, they are obviously a fake and will be executed on the spot by Aurors.

This is the now the third major breakthrough in the fight against left-wing academia unveiled by the Department of Historical Revisionism, just over three and a half months after its establishment. Last month it revealed the shocking truth about how Albus Dumbledore was a traitor who sold state secrets to the Soviets during the Cold War and ran Hogwarts as a communist brain-washing facility, and in January it told us all how the British Empire never really dissolved and is actually still going strong today. In The Prophet's opinion, Anthony O'Shea is certainly doing a good job at the helm of DHR and deserves a nice big fat bonus courtesy of the tax payer, especially now that I've hired an accountant to fiddle my income tax returns.

Top ten conspiracies- Page 3

Readers who don't have a clue send in their opinions on matters they know nothing about- Page 20

Ministry recognises being from Birmingham as a mental defect- Page 34

Richie Tarelton tells readers why they should buy shares in dubious high risk tech start-ups that he owns- Page 49

Epic Wizengamot debate on which is better, tea or coffee, enters seventeenth day- Page 53


	6. The Empire Strikes Back!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling**

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><p><strong>THE DAILY PROPHET <strong>

**(27/05/99)**

**Bullshit baffles brains**

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><p><strong>THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK!<strong>

**Shady bloke in hood crowned Emperor**

Mark Ostervander writes.

The Wizengamot was controversially disbanded yesterday, just hours after it crowned a tall shady bloke wearing black robes as the new Emperor of the United Kingdom. The mysterious figure who now rules over us will take the regal name Voldemort I, after our all powerful deity. The act would prove to be the Wizengamot's 139,516,944th and last piece of legislation. Now without a Parliament or national courts system, all new laws will be passed by decree by our new majestic overlord, while judicial disputes will be sorted out by a game of rock, paper, scissors. In unrelated news, 133 former members of the Wizengamot who voted against the moves were found dead yesterday evening, all in completely unrelated instances of natural death by machete. The Department of Magical Law Enforcement are said to be treating the incidents as unsuspicious.

The Minister for Magic, Pius Thicknesse, declared that this event heralded the dawn of a new age of prosperity for Britain, and said that the Department of International Magical Cooperation has tabled a motion at the International Confederation of Wizards for all nations in the world to unite under the British Imperium and to adopt Voldemortism as official state religion. We do however understand that the invitation to join the Empire was not extended to France, possibly because it is full of French people. The Minister for Magic also shrugged off international criticism about Britain's move towards an absolute monarchy, saying 'This entire 'democracy' experiment has failed miserably. Politics is way too important to be left in the hands of politicians. Now everyone can rest assured that the country is being run by a single, authoritarian, totalitarian figure in good faith, without those pesky democratically elected morons messing everything up with their so called 'mandate to govern'.'

An Imperial spokesperson told The Prophet that the newly vacated Parliamentary Chambers will be turned into an as of yet untitled theme park, where the entire family can enjoy such fun activities as worshipping statues of our new ruler, Emperor Voldemort, and laughing at working class children fighting for their lives locked in underwater cages with man-eating sharks. There are also rumours, started by myself, that notorious sheep-shagging criminal Ronald Weasley, who last month was sentenced to 13,934 consecutive life sentences for his role in an absolute shit load of crimes, will be transported from his solitary confinement in Azkaban to the new theme park and put into stocks so that children can pelt him with rotten fruit.

To celebrate, The Prophet is giving away one hundred VIP tickets to the opening of the theme park. All you have to do to be entered in the prize draw is snitch on at least five family/friends/neighbours who you suspect of being communists to the Auror Office.

In depth review and pictures of the coronation- Page 4

Ministry predicts this years budget surplus to be somewhere close to a googal- Page 11

Inflation drops to 67.3%- Page 24

Jamaica converts to Voldemortism after Minstry threatens to nuke Kingston- Page 28

Muggle sports team Man Utd wins Champions League after Ministry officials hexes entire Bayern Munich squad in 90th minute- Page 60


	7. There Will Be Blood!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling**

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><p><strong>THE DAILY PROPHET <strong>

**(15/11/99)**

**War is always the answer**

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><p><strong>THERE WILL BE BLOOD!<strong>

**Communist guerrillas launch uprising**

Connor Day writes.

Britain is teetering on the brink of a yet another civil war, the Ministry of Magic claimed yesterday, only months after announcing the official end to the Second Wizarding War. The chilling hypothesis was made by Pius Thicknesse, the Minister for Magic, in the wake of yet another day of civil disobedience by left-wing devil worshippers.

'Yesterday afternoon a group of over one hundred protesters marched on Whitehall,' a Department of Magical Law Enforcement official told The Prophet. 'They behaved in an orderly fashion, caused absolutely no damage and in fact broke no laws however their intent to cause harm is clear. The group claim that they were only going down to Whitehall to pay off parking fines, but we suspect that the parking tickets are an elaborate smokescreen and that the real reason they came down to the centre of our government was to topple it and install an evil, twisted communist regime where watching awful movies and indulging in child pornography would be mandatory.'

Imperial spokesman David Conway added, 'This blatant act of war against the British state will not go unpunished. His Imperial Majesty has appealed for calm and has cited this incident as the reason for the passing of new anti-terror legislation that regulates the movement of terror suspects and heavily restricts their use of magic. And by terror suspects, we mean every civilian in the country.'

The Prophet can reveal that similar incidents have occurred up and down the country. Terrified council workers in Maidstone, Kent, had to call in Aurors after a drunken vagrant tripped over the curb and knocked over a wheelie-bin outside of their offices. The civil uprising was quelled after the tramp was taken out by an Apache helicopter gunship. Meanwhile in Bangor, Wales, two DMLE officers patrolling on the beat were attacked by a rogue magpie. One of the officers suffered a minor scratch to the finger while the other dropped his sandwich, rendering it inedible. After the harrowing attack, the local council immediately declared martial law and Whitehall promptly dispatched a battalion of Aurors to the area to restore order and weed out militant subversive elements. A four hundred thousand Galleon bounty has been placed on the head of the magpie, believed to be known as 'Bumpy' in the criminal underworld, who the Auror Office claims was trained by communist militia groups affiliated with the Order of the Phoenix.

The Prophet has also learned that the illogical uprising is not limited to native traitors. Three French nationals were detained at a pub in Bromley, South-East London, after undercover DMLE agents spotted the trio buying alcoholic beverages. They were promptly arrested and remain in police custody. The Department of International Magical Cooperation has laughed off criticism of the arrests made by the French embassy. A DIMC spokesman told The Prophet, 'The three suspects claim that they were only enjoying a few drinks, but if that is the case then they would have bought pints of butterbeer from the tap like normal people. Instead they brought bottles of vodka, which we believe they were going to turn into molotov cocktails to throw at pensioners and disabled children. We have no actual evidence to prove this, but thanks to recent legislation passed by His Imperial Majesty, unfounded accusations made by the authorities can now be entered into court as evidence. What sickens me though, and should sicken every law abiding citizen in this country, is the fact that these terrorists entered the country on valid tourist visas, making a mockery of our tolerance, fairness, kindness and hospitality.'

The Prophet is indeed sickened by this turn of events and as such is launching a new petition that will be put before the Emperor, calling on Britain to declare war on France. After all, it's why income tax was originally introduced. Even though nobody over at The Prophet actually pays income tax, all of our readers that can't afford dodgy accountants do, so we urge you all to sign. As an added incentive, if you don't sign it, we'll send some Cockney thugs over to sit menacingly outside of your kitchen window!

Pictures of unarmed militants being executed on the spot by Aurors – Page 5

Ministry announces that public spending will rise by 5% next year- Page 19

Ministry announces that taxes will rise by 63% next year- Page 44

Emperor Voldemort orders scientists to make it rain chocolate- Page 48

Ministers launch public inquiry to be headed by Lord Malfoy that will solve age old riddle, which is better, tea or coffee- Page 61


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